This is excellent, thank you!!! I am an ally, and I find the longer I know a trans person the less any of these questions matter. All the “technical” details are available readily elsewhere, and I brushed up on them, like I would about anything that a friend was dealing with. IMHO, ANYTHING ELSE needs to come from the trans person, when they are ready. And guess what, they may NEVER be ready! This has NO bearing on whether they can be a great friend, only time can tell that. Trust is a valuable commodity, as are patience and humility (I am way behind on that one).
The moment a trans person comes out to a friend or relative can be a very difficult one, even dangerous. In this America, Trump has embraced the “different is bad” mantra, and admitting you are “different” to the wrong person can be fatal. If you haven’t come out yet it must be very scary, or worse… for whatever reason, the first time a trans person came out to me my reaction was atypical: “ wow! that is great, you are you!!…”… my friend said “ ‘this is the moment you say “WTF! I can’t believe it!!!!” I had not the slightest instant of non-acceptance, and I am so grateful! My emotion at the time was really wonder, for want of a different word.
There is no feeling like the one when someone decides to trust you enough to reveal something about themselves that might get them killed. It feels surreal to write that, but here we are. I believe “allyship” begins in that first conversation. You have been trusted enough to receive “top secret” information, and that trust can be the gateway towards a long and wonderful relationship. Mistakes can (and will) be made, but can be talked about and fixed if the relationship is strong.
I am 65, so my community of friends is mostly older. I say, in the first conversation, that I am an old grandpa, married for 43 years (can you believe it??), and with no agenda, sexual or any other. I just like to meet people, and talk. If they can accept (believe?) that, we might have the beginning of a friendship. Is there anyone who cannot use a new friend?
Because passing is so important to many trans people (for obvious reasons), it is likely everyone in the country has met a trans person, at least in passing (no pun intended), without knowing it. Many opportunities for friendship missed because of fear. For me, and I suspect many allies, meeting a trans person for the first time was entirely providential. A lucky day!
How do you meet trans and other LGBTQIA people? Go to a pride festival, and take in the beauty of it. Here are people being authentic, a rarity in real life! I wish you many good things on your way to allyship!
